Rabbi Shawn Israel Zevit: Article

From Your father’s House: Readings for Jewish Men

- Rabbi Shawn Israel Zevit

“God said to Abram, lech lecha
(Go forth) from your native land
and from your father’s house
to the land that I will show you...
and you will be a blessing...”
(Genesis 12:1,2)

Like the reverberations from the “big bang” of Sinai, God’s calling to journey into the unknown still echoes for us today. The quest to meet the yearning of the soul—where the desires of our heart intersects with the needs of the world in which we live, has not diminished with time.

This is a time of great excitement and challenge for the Jewish people as a whole, and those of us who are Jewish men in particular. As the gender roles, expectations and hopes of men and women have shifted and stretched in contemporary society, it has become increasingly challenging to gain an understanding of where we are, even as we try to figure out where we are heading and give voice to our current experiences. Even more so our connection to, and definition of what is Jewish, as well as what is male or masculine is in flux for the majority of Jewish men. We may feel the call to chart our unique path, connect to loved ones, and find our place in community and the world at large. Yet for many men today, having a clear and loving sense of our “Father’s house” can be as problematic as finding our own identities and “calling” as men.

The particular challenges and opportunities facing Jewish men today, resonate with the most ancient of Jewish callings, but the “lech lecha” (footnote to Gen 12:1) of today requires a road map that is informed by the past, but not limited by it. This book is a welcomed addition to the Psalms of old, yet seeks to address the soul yearnings, experiences and concerns of Jewish men on the journey now. Some of us may have been handed the richness of our faith, with its customs, rituals and insights and so can add our life stories to that of Abraham. However, for many Jewish men today this is not a given. We may have received little from our parents, or where antagonistic to what we experienced. Some Jewish men have experience in men’s groups and movements but have been out of touch with their Jewish identity. Others are well grounded in their Jewish expression, but have never explored being in a group of men, or have few or surface relationships with other men. Still others have had neither or very little of both.

At this time we are only beginning to see the need for Jewish men to find voice for our experience as the 21st century unfolds. These voices are informed by feminism, the larger Jewish Men’s movement, uniquely North American Jewish experience, intermarriage, shifting in family structures, the technological age and the media amongst other factors.

The complexity of issues facing Jewish men today and the rapidity of change we live in societally also calls out for response. This includes responding to our relationship to God, traditional and creative ritual, new men’s midrash, sexuality and intimacy, internalized anti-semitism, feminism, the “Jewish Prince”, raising and relating to children, physical health, competition and isolation, homophobia, cross-cultural connections, analysis of and understanding Jewish leadership, gender and men's studies, spiritual development, family, friendship, addictions, violence, work and money, creating and sustaining men’s groups, Jews and the military, Israeli male identities, and the legacies we wish to leave behind to our sons and daughters and friends. This list is by no means complete, nor can any book cover all these areas extensively. However, what we are beginning here is a conversation about Jewish men’s issues from a personal place largely un-nurtured in most men in our culture.

At the same time we have a history as Jewish men of passionate connection to community study, peoplehood, relationships and striving to live in God’s image. The confluence of these issues and contemporary men’s issues makes for a rich and unique mix that can be addressed by works about and for Jewish men. This includes the desire for a reconnection to longstanding Jewish traditions such as prayer, Torah study (either in discussions or enacted Bibliodrama), mikveh, developing new ritual expressions, as well as providing a place todeal with varied issues of concern to us as Jewish men in supportive environments (this can range from talk to prayer to play, etc.). For many men who have been active in the larger arena of men’s work, there is often a lack of connection with their Jewish heritage, which is just beginning to be made available through such Jewish men’s activities. Ultimately these themes attempt to balance personal identity and spiritual growth with a commitment to tikkun olam or renewal of the planet.

Men on the move

In the late 1960’s and especially in the 1970's men began to gather to address issues of dislocation, shifting male/female roles, investigate their connection or disconnection to their masculinity and a myriad of other issues that included simply wanting to be close to each other at a basic level. As the ’70’s and ’80’s progressed it became apparent that there was no Men’s “movement”, rather different streams of focus that men would and could rally around. The stream that gained the most noteriety was termed the “mytho-poetic” because of its open exploration of male spirituality and Jungian based psychology. This stream, often identified by the media and public as “the” men’s movement attracted mostly heterosexual midlife men, who would delve into their masculinity and male psyche at retreats, support groups, council meetings and lectures. These would center around literature, mythology, art, creativity, drumming, rituals, some borrowed from Native American traditions. There are even gatherings and trainings in deepening positive male identity and relationships under the wing of “New Warriors” training. Robert Bly, James Hillman, Michael Meade and Robert Moore have been among the many innovators in this area.

The pro-feminist / Male affirmative stream grew up alongside the women's movement and was often termed “men’s liberation”. Men are encouraged to challenge and move beyond sexist, homophobic, class and race barriers. Women's rights, gay rights and other causes centered around groups that were marginilized in society are often emphasized. Harry Brod, Michael Kimmel, Michael Kaufmann and John Stoltenberg are among the men that helped bring these men's issues to the fore. In Canada, after a violent attack on female students at a University, a “White Ribbon” campaign was organized to protest against, and work toward ending male violence patterns. Though women are also involved in this area, which has had difficulty maintaining energy and organization in the 1990’s.

The Men’s Rights stream largely focuses on changing laws and the societal perception of men. Be it challenging issues around child custody, child support, rights of unmarried fathers, etc. the men’s rights advocates tend to be more militant than other men’s groups. Gatherings usually take the form of support groups, Father's day events involving children, legal strategy sessions and media campaigns. Warren Farrell’s book about the “myth” of male power brought some noteriety to this male perspective.

More recent developments on the North American men’s scene include addiction / recovery groups out of the twelve-step programs. These groups have attracted a large number of men who are looking for explicit places to deal with addiction issues and healing wounds from parental relationships. Not surprisingly, the renewed interest in spiritual matters, combined with a call to return to “family values” from the religious right has given birth to large scale gatherings such as “Promise keepers”. Stadium’s double as religious sanctuaries where men are exorted to overcome their failings and recommit to their families. Some uncertainty as to whether this is progressive or regressive is under debate, but the sheer numbers and passions exposed indicate an empty place in the soul that is being addressed. African-American/Canadian men and other men of color have also developed over the last decade. Men’s chat rooms, web sites, magazines and media programs have also been sprouting in the 1990's.

Mensch amongst Men

As I mentioned earlier, the idea of gathering as men in a Jewish context is not an innovation. It is a long-standing tradition, with Jewish law historically mandating a minimum of ten men to form a “minyan” or official community. Even in North America many of us grew up within the framework of the “Brotherhood” or “Men’s Club” of our synagogue, Jewish Community Center or B’nai Brith Lodge. If not ourselves, then many of us had parents who were active in these ways. In the last couple of decades, the attendance and participation in traditional forms of gathering in a Jewish context have not been able to maintain their membership at previous levels, or have expanded to include women’s participation, or simply lost relevance for many Jewish men who are not connected to the institutions their parents may have been. The formal men’s groups within Jewish institutional life continue to shift and try to meet contemporary needs, while many Jewish men have found a home in informal groups that meet once or twice a month in group member’s homes. This was a natural outgrowth from the feminist model of women’s groups and “Rosh Hodesh” groups for the new month, and the influence of the Men’s “movement” that begun in the early 1970’s.

Over time many of us began to try and articulate our vision to meet the need that so many Jewish men feel today. This includes, but is not limited, to our examining the heritage we have received, the state of current male identity and spirituality, and now, to the still small voice that is drawing us into the future. The lack of material dealing with these concerns and the intense need for resources to address them makes this book a venture whose time has come and which is greatly needed.

In 1993, at the Aleph Kallah in San Francisco, I was the only man to have signed up the first day for a workshop for Jewish Men that was being facilitated by Yosaif August, an organizer of the first Jewish Men's retreat held a few years previously. Yosaif and I reflected on the slow turnout given the hundreds of people gathered in the hills of Berkeley, and the large attendance at courses which emphasized women’s rituals and issues. We decided it was not a safe assumption to think Jewish men seeking a renewed connection with their Judaism would necessarily see their male forms of identity and spiritual expression as pressing. At least to make this an important item on the progressive Jewish agenda would take patience, authentic soul-searching and a willingness to break through the barriers to intimacy, trust and connection many Jewish men carry like a backpack on the journey.

By the next day a few more names were added to the list, and we ended our week of “drashodrama” on Jacob and Esau with mutual blessings and commitments under Yosaif’s guidance. He gathered a group of us together to begin an annual Jewish Men’s retreat at Elat Chayyim near Woodstock, New York. Before that Kallah, and certainly since then, thinking and action by courageous Jewish men has begun to create a greater interest in Jewish Men’s issues including Rabbi Kerry Olitzky, Rabbi Rami Shapiro, Rabbi Arthur Waskow, Professor Harry Brod, R.Mordecai Liebling, Rabbi Jeffery Salkin,Doug Barden, Rabbi Charles Simon, Joel Grishaver, Peter Pitzele, and many other Jewish men and women who have been writing about gender and Judaism. Articles in Jewish newspapers and magazines continue to explore the issue and a Kolot: The Center for Gender Studies based at the Reconstructionist Rabbinical College and headed by Professor Lori Lefkovitz has been supporting work on programs and publications dealing with Jewish men and women.

A key questions to understanding the movement towards new forms of expression for spirituality and identity is what draws us together? For many men it is the opportunity, structured and informal for deep sharing with other men and deepening their connection to their Judaism. Some men have experience in men¹s groups, but have been out of touch with their Jewish identity. Others are well grounded in their Jewish expression, but while being liberal Jews, have never explored being in a group of men. Still others have had neither or a little of both.

We have also sought at such events to address the desire for a reconnection to longstanding Jewish traditions such as mikveh, Torah study (either in discussions or enacted bibliodrama ), Kiddush Levanah (Monthly celebration of the new moon and month which requires gathering outdoors for worship, study and sharing), developing new ritual expressions, as well as providing a place to deal with issues of concern to us as Jewish men in supportive environments (this can range from talk to prayer to play, etc.).

For many men who have been active in the larger men¹s work scene, there is often a lack of connection with their Jewish heritage, which is made available through such Jewish men’s activities. The Reform movement’s Temple Brotherhoods, the Conservative movement’s Men’s clubs, Reconstructionist, Renewal, religious humanist and even some orthodox men's circles have begun to restructure themselves or develop groups to address issues of concern to contemporary Jewish men. In all these locations there is much God- wrestling with the question of how to find contemporary, authentic expression of faith and tradition as male Jews, while acknowledging the confusion many Jewish men are struggling with today.

Unlike the past, where gathering as men was linked to dominance over and exclusion of women and gay men from equal participation in many facets of Judaism, our present gathering uses these opportunities to deepen our connections so we can build a richer more compassionate community together. I have experienced much enthusiastic support from female colleagues and women in various communities for the work we are taking on and this has been very encouraging in the early stages of this journey.

Along with weekly to monthly men’s groups that have been in existence for a number of years, a group of us have also begun meeting to celebrate the new month at kiddush levanah gatherings. Here a combination of an evening of study of text and / or discussion about a particular issue is followed by a trip outside to a nearby park where we can sing and exchange blessings or mark transitions (these have ranged from new fatherhood, bar mitzvah, and marriage to healing prayers for ill friends and family). This ritual adds a Jewish spiritual dimension to our connecting as men.

If anything, building trust between us and learning how to relate to each other as men beyond the avenues previously afforded, is allowing us opportunity to push past competition, insecurities and fears. Forging a compassionate, relevant and authentic spiritual life deepens this dimension so that our renewed Jewish expression enhances and supports our journeys as men in an age of rapid change in roles and expectations. Guilt, feelings of shame, inadequacy and blaming others is the surest way to keep the baggage we drag along stuck in place. The assertion of identities and spiritual expression must neither be dominating and abusive nor so passive and apologetic that it leads to a total flattening of behavior that de-energizes and immobilizes.

As previous hierarchical power structures and roles are being challenged and Transformed, albeit painfully slowly at times, men have often isolated themselves to face these changes alone. This pattern can reinforce a resistance to change and cause a backlash against the perceived and/or real agents of change. The ways in which Jewish men are seeking ways to deepen their connection to each other, to women, to people of all faiths and backgrounds will help to realign relationships in community. We must create these connections in such a way that values what is rich and meaningful in the past, and allows us to work together and support each other in creative, compassionate and insightful ways towards a healthy future.

Like a stone in still waters, so the ripples of the actions of Jewish men and women over the past 30 years have begun to hit the banks of the “main stream” and resonate back to the center of initiation. In the past few years an array of workshops and courses were held at various retreats, synagogues, Jewish Community Centers and campuses, ranging from courses for Jewish men & Torah, gay men, mikveh, kiddush levanah, local men¹s groups, Men's Stories: Lives and Legends of the Bible, Men and Work, health issues and more. These all indicate the time is ripe for concrete exploration and action. Issues such as our relations to God, ritual, sexual integrity, relationships with women, children, physical health, competition and isolation, homophobia, cross-cultural connections, spiritual development, family, friendship, addictions, violence, work and the legacies we wish to leave behind to our sons and daughters and friends, have all been earmarked by our annual retreat planning group as areas of discussion and exploration in the evolution of Jewish male identity and spiritual expression. These themes are part of a balancing of personal spiritual growth and a commitment to tikkun olam.

The Jewish technology available to us in rich and diverse ways that makes this work unique. We have sacred texts that allow us to explore our own individual and collective path ritual providing us with a context and opportunity to be creative in meeting new issues and needs as they arise. We also share a core value of tikkun olam, where the needs of the community in the time in which we live are as paramount as the flowering of our individual soul life.

I recall a story my grandfather Aaron told me of their seven-year stay in Israel, when he and my grandmother Rose attended a local orthodox synagogue. The mechitsa was actually the balcony, above which the women would gather, with the men sitting below near the bimah. One Simchat Torah the men were dancing with the Torah on the main level, circling joyfully around the chapel.

My grandfather became disturbed that his wife and other women were denied this opportunity and asked the rabbi present, whether there was a law against women dancing with the Torah as well. The rabbi shrugged his shoulders, whereupon my grandfather took the Torah upstairs to the women who reacted with shock and joy, and with many in tears touched the Torah for the first time in their lives. This courageous, creative act was not the act of a radical, but it was a radical act, an action in which his sense of justice called him to a place he had never known.

Sharing personal and collective stories can be a meeting ground for us as men and Jews, “male Jews” as Harry Brod would say. This is but the beginning of a conversation, not the definition of what Jewish men feel, need, or can experience. We can all find a starting place to articulate our own unique lives as Jewish men.

Genesis 1:27 states, “and God created humans in God’s image...male and female, God created them. God blessed them...” Like the charge to Abram to become all that he might become, to grow into Abraham in a new place he knew not, and then be blessed, so we are asked to expand our self-image to more fully reflect the imaging of God in our lives. Ultimately, this can only be achieved by trust, and with determination and compassion, we can chart a new course into unknown places. Then we will come to know the blessing we inherently are meant to be.

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