EXCERPTS

Chapter 4: Keeping Life Real

I yearn in my meandering journey to get a life and keep it real. I want to continue growing into the authentic person I desire to be—a balanced, playful, faithful follower of the Spirit. So I try to give up my drivenness and to follow the Spirit’s lead through careful discernment. I discipline myself to do the things needed to foster good health and a continued openness to God. The difficulty for me, as for other leaders, is my life is on public display. I often feel like I am living in a house of mirrors that reflects back the distorted images and expectations others have of me. I know there is more to me than what others see, but sometimes I just can’t seem to look past these images, so I develop a rather distorted picture of myself. The crux of the problem isn’t so much that I get caught up in the illusions others have of me but that I then create and believe my own false images of self. So I continue to search for the real me, and sometimes what I discover isn’t all that flattering.

So far, this is what I have found. I know I have a nasty temper that has led me into a lot of sin. And just when I think I have mastered this unwelcome version of myself, I will get in an argument with my son, the high school senior, and—boom!—it’s World War III. Out of anger, I say something stupid that pushes him farther away from me—the exact opposite of what I want to happen between us. Recovering from the resulting silence usually takes us a day or two. Then we will talk: I will admit I am an idiot; he will readily agree. We will hug and claim a ceasefire. But he and I both know the angry me is lurking just around a corner somewhere. I really wish I could get rid of this part of myself.

I am also selfish. Just when I think I am getting better about putting the needs of my wife above my own, I will go and do something stupid like buy the lawn edger I have always wanted, forgetting that we have been delaying any nonessential pur¬chases so that she can get the new eyeglasses she needs. And worse yet, I will try to be funny about it: “Just think, hon, when you get those new glasses, you’ll be able to see better when you’re edging the sidewalks.” I think I have already told you that I am not very bright.

You see, I know the truth about me. I know at times I am a very impatient and pushy person. I know I crave getting my own way, being in the spotlight, and appearing smarter than I really am. I want people to think well of me. I have worried all my life that if the veil guarding my inmost self was suddenly torn in two and what lies deep within suddenly was exposed to the light, people would point, laugh, and walk away. I want to be seen as someone who has it all together; someone who is smart, funny, faithful, and worth following. What if people could see the other parts of me? The broken, messy, and fearful pieces of myself? They would see a much more authentic me, a kind of Gary mosaic, but would they like what they see?

As I have been talking to God lately, I have been confessing to him, “God, I feel at times like I am one messed-up human being. I still marvel that you called me, of all people, into your service. Even more, I am dumbfounded that you not only love but like me—the Gary who is broken, fearful, foolish, and not really all that bright sometimes—loved and liked by you exactly as I am. You part the veil that guards my heart, look into the depth of my very being, and pronounce me ‘enough,’ just as I am, to be your friend.” This revelation of God’s image of me is as true as all the less desirable things I have learned about myself. And when I accept this for myself, I am truly honoring the God who created me.

My getting a life and keeping it real matters not only to God but also to the people I live with and I serve in and through the church. As a leader of the church, my struggle with personal authenticity has tremendous implications for the church. Many of the failings of the church today have to do with inauthentic leadership.

I have shaped the church by my leadership, and I continue to be shaped by the church. It has affected the person I am—both good and bad. I can’t entirely blame the church for the ways I am not authentic. No, the responsibility for that is on me. The church must bear some responsibility, however, for the ways it has been inauthentic and distorted the image of the God who created it. It doesn’t surprise me that the church oftentimes strays from what God intended it to be. After all, it is made up of sinful people just like me.

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